so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
