Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
