Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
