Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
