I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
