walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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