Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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