my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
