well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
