I looked at my own cervix.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
