you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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