Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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