Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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