Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
