I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
