I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
