I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
