I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
