we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
