Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
