im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
