party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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