So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
