I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This baby is an asshole
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
