Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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