there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
