please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
