I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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