he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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