i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
