God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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