Soap is not a condiment
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
