I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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