Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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