i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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