i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
