to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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