Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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