After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
