i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Found your dick twin last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
