You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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