Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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