we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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