She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
