Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
