I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
