i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
