just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
