Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
