Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
