i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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